During day 4, when I had my consultation with Pak Merta Ada, I explained some of the feelings that I usually have, such as: menstrual pain; some feelings in my body that sometimes experience when I go to sleep like a kind of electricity in my bones; and also the fact that I need glasses. After Pak Merta scanned my body he told me that everything I was feeling came from my relationship with my mother. He mentioned that. Could be in my past life my mother had left me and in this life I was born with a big attachment to my mother which stemmed from the fear of her leaving me again.
At the moment Pak Merta explained this to me I literally heard a voice inside me asking why my mother left me? Why? Actually this voice was not mine – it was not the voice that I have in this life.
I come back to the meditation room and continued my meditation practice. I started to scan my body part by part and when I arrived at the throat area I felt a strong tension. For me this was not a surprise because I often have this feeling. So, I focused on this area for a while, feeling and giving love to myself and suddenly a memory come - a very real memory when I was two or three months old. I was crying so much that I almost suffocated myself. And somebody was taking me. But this person was not my mother so I cried even more and shouted to try and get the attention of my mother so she could take me. I remember that I only wanted my mother to take me and I felt very frustrated because I thought, ''Mother, I'm crying. Why are you not coming? You have left me again!'' I felt so sad at that moment when I was a baby. But when I came back to my meditation I realised that my mother has done so much for me. She loves me and she did everything for me as a child. At that moment all the tension in my throat instantly disappeared. It was amazing that the tension that had been there for as long as I can remember just disappeared in a single moment and has never come back.
When I finished the Tapa Brata 1 I called my mother and asked her if I used to cry a lot when I was very small, like two or three months old. She said that I did not cry a lot but she did remember one time when I was one month old and I cried so much that I almost drowning myself when my grandfather was lifting me. I asked her why she did not come and take me? She said that I was crying so much that she was scared and she went out to look for help. Since that moment in the meditation I feel very grateful to my mother and the love she has given to me. My body and mind is much more comfortable.
Thank you very much Pak Merta Ada and Michael for helping me with this meditation to go so deep that I was able to restore myself.
All my love and gratefulness to Bali Usada.
Thanks
