I am the eldest of 3 siblings, all girls. When my father passed away, the business went bankrupt and my youngest sister was still studying abroad. My father was sick for about 5 years and we sold all his assets. The remaining asset that had not been sold was our house. However, we finally had to sell it to pay for my sister's college tuition. My father left a lot of debt when he died. I had to bear everything. I was very stressed because I felt that in 2014 I was very young and just graduated from college for a year. Moreover, before my father died, he said, “Take care of your mother until she dies. Until then, take care of your mother." Because my love to my father, I agreed to his wish even though I had no income at that time. I was stressed, but the condition had required me to work even harder.
Fortunately, due to good karma, I am able to support my mother. From not having a house to owning a house once again. Even though the house is not the same as before, we are lucky enough to have a much better one and we can still afford to send my younger sibling to study abroad until now. This was all because the supportive conditions. However, it was still very stressful for me and I ended up looking for an escape. I often came home late at night, went out drinking alcohol with friends. The bottom line was that when my business was going well, I felt unhappy and empty. My relationship with the family was also not close. I thought that the most important thing was to support my family financially. For example, if my mother was angry, I would give her money. According to my sister, I was very close to my father and when he died, I distanced myself. It was like there was no emotion, feeling empty. I couldn’t feel anything.
My sister knew that I was not that kind of person. Then, my sister invited me to learn meditation. At that time, one of Pak Merta's students, Ms. Inge from Solo, taught meditation to young people. I started to learn to meditate and realized that there are many more fun things than alcohol and getting drunk. Since then, I began to accept the fact that my father was gone. I started to accept. During meditation, I also accepted that I had to support my family. I changed my thinking, from a little girl who had to provide for the family, oh what a pity, to someone with a great blessing. Thank you father for entrusting my ability to provide for the family. By changing my mindset, the business I was running became much bigger than I ever imagined. Previously, I never thought that my business could progress further. I find meditation very helpful. I realize many things from meditation. I learn not only about mindfulness, but also loving-kindness that allows me to feel sadness. As a result, I can feel empathy for other people. I think this is very powerful.
Eventually, I joined the Bali Usada health meditation class. This is great. My favorite is loving-kindness meditation. We can spread loving-kindness even to the people that we have problems with. We are taught about the emergence process of bad energy and good energy. However, at that time, I didn't quite understand, so I couldn't really explain it to myself. Basically, it is normal as a human to have bad thoughts to arise. And what inspired me was when Pak Merta said, “I don't have a vision. All I want is to do as much good as possible.” This statement really touched me. Even though sometimes bad thoughts arise, I just realize that it is Anicca and I continue to focus on the same goal which is to spread goodness/kindness as much as possible. Thank you. May all beings be happy.
Felicia Regina –Meditation Friend from Intensive Tapa Brata Meditation class
