For me meditation is a process…. In the first Tapa Brata, as I watched my breath go in and out, I asked myself: where did my breath come from? I gasped in surprise and realized that my breath was a gift and a blessing from God. How did I not notice it all this time?. How do I always accept the breath as something that must exist every day?. At the time, I was called “The Most Terrifying Manager” by the staff at the office. I didn’t feel upset because, in my opinion, to be angry was a natural process that needed to be done when something went wrong. It would be their problems, not mine, if the staffs were afraid or even trembling when they came up to see me. I have joined Usada Tapa Brata 1 retreat for 4 times. I have gained new, different and fun experiences and lessons from each TB session. For me, meditation requires a process. At the end of the retreat, I could only promise Pak Merta that I would reduce my anger by 50% every day in which I know this was surely very difficult to do. Initially, my purpose to learn meditation was to heal the myoma in my uterus. The size of the myoma had grown bigger at the time. I was not able to accept this condition that was happening in my body because I had been taking care of my health, adjusting my diets, and also exercising regularly. The doctors from Indonesia and other countries could not explain why there was myoma in my body. I felt disappointed, sad and angry with myself. Then, there was a turning point… I got angry for the first time after six months of my first Tapa Brata retreat. A few seconds before my anger exploded, I felt like as if there was a signal warning me that I would about to get angry. After I got angry, the anger and resentment subsided quickly and I realized that anger could cause illness. I can feel happiness and start to appreciate little things in life. In the past, when the security guard in the office greeted me with “good morning”, I perceived it as he was seeking attention from me. However, now I can feel that he was genuinely kind enough to welcome me with good wishes. In addition to how I was in the past, if there was a stranger smiled at me, I would think that he was an unproductive person who liked to idly pass his days. Nonetheless, now I can give a smile back at a stranger without negative judgment. This is the kind of happiness that I can feel after my first experience with Tapa Brata 1. The second time I went to Tapa Brata 1 retreat was a refreshing experience for me. Since then, I have decided to go to TB every year. I consider TB as not only a detox for my mind, but also a vacation that I enjoy very much. The process continues… In the fourth Tapa Brata 1 retreat that I went, I felt anxious and afraid when I learned that semi-conscious mind and subconscious mind can strongly affect our health and cause illness. Moreover, both semi-conscious mind and subconscious mind are difficult to control. I, then, understood that God has created human being perfectly because the medicines to cure the illness that is caused by our mind is apparently in us; such medicines are breath and harmonious mind. As I learned about this, I felt very relieved. What about the myoma in my uterus? It is still there. I was worried, and asked “why is it still there? Is there something wrong with my meditation practice?” Every time people asked me about the myoma, I felt even more anxious. However, it never gives me pain. It never has effect on my menstrual, defecate, or urinate processes. Then, can I call it a disease? Anicca (impermanence)… I used to having a hope that there would be Anicca; the myoma in my uterus would be gone forever. Now, I feel that Anicca does happen, but in a different way. Before, I was unable to accept the myoma in my body; however, now I have accepted it as a part of my life. A God’s gift, a blessing.

Ami